goddamnit I wanted to get shit done, not sit here and think about gender stuff and hate myself for not having a vagina. Yes brain, I am stupid and will always look like a joke. Fuck you. Meh.

I’m feeling very much like a talentless slob who should stop making art. I won’t, because it’s important to me and I love creating things and I do see value in my stuff.

But every few days or so I get really bummed out when I compare myself to other artists. I’m devoid of the discipline and skill that so many folks have. My whole creative process is just pure desire and instinct, nothing else, and so often I wonder if it’s enough.

I’ve got a lot of positive feedback from people and it means a lot to me, and I don’t think people would pay for my work if they thought it sucked. But I look at a lot of other artists and I just feel like such a fucking colossal joke.

I dunno. I’m a whining mess right now.

I kind of feel like this whole project may be self indulgent tripe, but I’m doing it so yeah. Feel free not to read it. Constructive feedback would be appreciated.

Resurrection

My mother killed herself and was resurrected by Jesus Christ. She and I are in the back of a van and she’s telling me about how when she was a teenager she slit her wrists and overdosed on pills in her parent’s garage and hung out with Jesus. I’m 5 years old. I’m listening to what she’s saying, not completely understanding but trying to. This is the first time I remember this story, though I heard it many times in the years to come.

Apparently, Christ told my mom that it wasn’t her time to die, and after hanging out for a bit he kicked her out of heaven and back into her body. Sometimes when she told the story she’d add that Jesus said the reason she had to live was because she was going to give birth to me. She never told it the same way twice. Sometimes instead of being in the garage she jumped off a bridge or was in a car crash. But she always died, and Jesus always brought her back. That  part remained the same.
………

Though I’ve been trying to focus on songwriting for the past 6 or so months, the majority of music I’ve made and released during the past decade has all been mostly experimental, abstract, or improvisational. 

I’ve recorded hundreds of hours worth of music and released 30 or so albums in various genres, but only a handful featured songs in the traditional sense, and even then only barely.

I often find myself wondering about the merit and validity of such music. I enjoy making it, but I’m not sure if anyone out there would enjoy listening to it. Does an ambient piece or a sheet of harsh guitar noise have the ability to resonate with someone the same as a song? Does it matter?

Pondering the validity and meaning of any art is often futile, but it pops up in my head a lot.